I am a seeker. Once many years ago a gentleman who was like a second father to me said, “I knew as a little boy I wasn’t big enough for this world.” How I related to that statement. At the time I remember relating to it from a place of overwhelm. In retrospect I see how I related to that statement from a victim mentality. What I have come to see is that everything, every-thing, comes down to perspective. I can take that statement and be a victim- let it define me if I choose. (As self awareness grows, so does my knowing that life is a series of choices). OR… I can choose to think of that statement and with an attitude of gratitude, know that it was because of those feelings of inadequacy that I became a seeker.
I see now that I wanted to know what it was about the world that felt so big, so terrifying, so apart from me. So I went in hot pursuit of the answer, thinking that somehow finding out WHY would give me some sense of power. Me, who had from a very young age, always felt so powerless. Certainly I was unaware this is what I was doing much of the time. Today, however, I see it so clearly. I see how as a small girl, I had this incredible sense of separation. Believing that I was somehow different and in that difference, inherently flawed. In my imagined differences I felt inadequate. As if I was enough nor ever would be. This idea of not enoughness led me to isolate- I dare not show myself in any deep or meaningful way. This way of living life was not truly living for me and in time I saw the fallacy of my thinking.
I began to see our differences as gifts, what I bring to this world is something that is uniquely of me, what I bring can only be brought by me and as this is so with me, so it is with you. With this realization, the differences can now be celebrated rather than mourned. I settle once more into this place where I live, move and have my being. This place that once seemed so un-natural that has now become natural. This place I call peace.
Until next time,